You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
