What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
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My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
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tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag