I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
i'm home, then i'll come over
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
23 People Have Step Parents That Are Younger Than Them
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
27 People Confess The Worst Jobs They’ve Ever Had
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad