You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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