my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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