No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.