thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
23 Strangest Things That Gave Dudes A Boner
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
These 21 People Shouldn’t Be Giving Dating Advice
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's