Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
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