I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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