Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
