If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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