Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
