took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
