wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
