thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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