my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
