I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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