Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Randomize
