let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
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