When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Randomize
