we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
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Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
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He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me