I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
