remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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