did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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