I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
