You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?