Are you dead
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.