The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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