I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
