Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
