I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
