I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
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