i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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