she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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