i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
