I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
