its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
