I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
