the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Randomize
