Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
