I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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