Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
