I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
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