if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
