Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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