i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
