After last night, I could never be a politician.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
