dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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