Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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