I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
