Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
