Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
