just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
