Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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