nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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