I just made out with a guy for $7.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
