The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
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The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
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I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
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