Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
